Animal-loving freaks. Self-righteous hippie morons.
Just the thought of vegans can make some carnivores feel like tearing the roof off a VW bus and eating the passengers, T-rex style. With hot mustard and bacon.
If you’re a bus-ripping carnivore, I’m probably not going to convert you to a beef-eschewing hipster. That’s cool, because I don’ wanna. And we can still hang (just eat something first so I don’t turn into one of those hot dog cartoons in your mind). Even if I’m not going to indoctrinate you into a vegan cult, you should know a thing or two about it before you rip up a perfectly good microbus.
I’m vegan. I’m also kind of a sturdy fella, if you know what I mean. I don’t cuddle critters in my bed or throw red paint on rich old ladies (oops, sorry, Lady. I totally thought you were wearing fur). I don’t run naked with goats.
I just don’t eat animals. I also don’t eat anything that comes from animals. However, in New York I once bought a pretzel from a guy in a dog costume. Full disclosure, right? I have nothing to hide.
At 42, I feel better than I ever did. I feel strong, I have plenty of energy, and I still fit in the same size pants I’ve been wearing since I was 20. In fact, some of them are the same pants. I really need some new pants. Note to self.
Sure, I could probably exercise more and drink less. Maybe. I like to run but I also like my bourbon.
I wasn’t born into a hippie cult. I grew up on the standard American diet of Mac n’ cheese, Hamburger Helper, fried chicken, steak, and Gilligan’s Island. You know, what you might call normal. I was accidentally skinny for a long time, too, which was deceiving because my bad cholesterol levels at 21 were well above 300. And I smoked. Paired with my artery-clogging genetic tendencies, it was a great way to guarantee a heart attack in my future.
When I altered my diet to eliminate animal products (and cigarettes), my life and health changed forever. It’s been nothing short of amazing. I don’t get sick often, I heal quickly, and I’m stronger than I ever was. Back when I ate critters and their excretive offerings, I also had some nasty digestive issues. I’ll spare you the rumbly details, but until I went vegan I didn’t know you weren’t supposed to feel sick after eating. Revelation.
In the past I haven’t been one to proselytize our vegan lifestyle, because I’ve always had a live and let live philosophy. I went to great lengths to not offend or stand out from the crowd at parties or business events. Especially business events, because I was afraid that clients who knew about my freaktastic dietary lifestyle would suddenly decide our company wasn’t palatable.
Enough of that. I found that most people don’t give much thought to what I’m eating, and when they do they want to steal it. That’s because hotels, restaurants and airlines make vegan plates look a lot better than the standard fare. True story. They have to try harder which means the food is fresher and tastier. Anthony Bourdain can go chew on a goat testicle (a chef who will eat goat balls and turn up his nose at tofu is weird, you gotta admit).
I’m going to start writing about this more. We eat really well at home and that gets us through long days and nights of running our screen print and design business. That and bourbon. It’s like our secret ingredient, if we had a secret ingredient. Because cotton isn’t much of a secret.
And you know what? What you eat is up to you. As long as you’re not out on the street ripping up hippie buses and going all zombie cannibal on the world, I’m not going to preach to you. I’ll shout about our vegan eats. I’ll answer your questions. We can even swap vegan recipes and host tupperware parties together.
I hope that you’ll notice how supremely powerful, talented and good looking we are on a vegan diet and want to know how that works. Or you order our t-shirts and when you put them on you think, damn, those vegans really know how to decorate apparel.
And just in case you haven’t heard enough about the vegan thing, here you go: Bring it on down to VeganVille!