Vegan? You’re doing it wrong.

Are you doing vegan wrong? It depends on who you’re asking.

Sometimes, if you ask the wrong person, you get painted with the brush of Wrongness. It doesn’t wash off easily.

you_are_doing_it_wrong_35In our little vegan cult– er, community, the Wrongness rears its ugly head early and often. Even if you’re a 10-year vegan veteran like I am, consuming no animal products, there’s always somebody poised to tell you that you’re doing “vegan” wrong. Your tires aren’t vegan, your iPhone isn’t vegan, that little thing that hangs down your throat is a uvula and if meaty air accidentally touches it because you were breathing again, you are doing it wrong.

The tiny problem with “You’re doing it wrong” is that wrong is not always black and white. For example, what if the cheerleader is holding that sign for a lady hanging upside down on monkey bars? It could happen. So there needs to be context involved in the accusations of Wrongness.

However, if the ink on that sign is derived from monkeys in bars, she would be wrong. Maybe. We’ll get into that another time.

With veganism, our approach is always to educate and let people make their own choices. We rate “trying to be vegan” pretty high, because it’s at least taking steps toward being more conscious. Everyone isn’t equally successful, but you get bonus points for moving in that direction.

But all vegans aren’t, shall we say, tolerant. Some are downright militant. And scary.

Around the time we first went vegan, we went to a kid’s birthday party. The family wasn’t vegan, but they knew there would be vegans coming so they provided a pizza with soy cheese on it. Wasn’t that nice? We thought so.

Enter the militant vegan. Host confrontation in 3…2…

“Hey. You know this has casein in it, don’t you?”

If you don’t already know (and how dare you not know), casein (KASE-ee-ehn) is an element found in dairy. It does something like bind together the whats-it molecules with the enzymes in the… whatever. It makes cheese work. Some fake soy-type cheese products use the stuff, but it’s not truly vegan. Now you know.

However, our militant vegan -ahem- friend didn’t stop at educating the host. Nopity-nopity-no. She went full-on vegan rant monster to everyone in earshot. Message sent?

You’re doing it wrong.

Message received?

You’re wrong. I’m right. You are being a bad vegan and I’m here to stop these evil proceedings. And don’t get me started on those goddamned balloons.

It’s Not the Message, It’s the Delivery

In this world, there are certain things you could truly be doing wrong. Jumping out of a plane without a parachute, for example. There’s not much wiggle room on that rule (try to trust me there). However, when it comes to things that aren’t particularly life-threatening, like starting a business or going vegan, there’s enough wiggle room to samba with Harry Belafonte.

That said, there are some widely accepted standards for what makes a vegan. I would say the overwhelming majority of vegans don’t consume any animal products whatsoever. If you eat eggs or fish, you may be trying to be vegan, but you’re not technically a vegan by widely accepted cult–er, community standards. But are you doing it wrong?

We don’t wear leather or fur, but Bill Clinton does (well, hopefully not the fur). Yet he’s still a vegan in our book, because he doesn’t eat food that comes from animal sources. His reasoning? His health. Do we care? Nope.

Some people would care very much about that distinction and say he’s doing it wrong – or for the wrong reasons. All we care about is that he’s going in a good direction for his health, animals, the environment, and his appearance – which benefits us all when we have to see him in the media. If we took our time and energy to focus on the negative aspects in his Wrongness of Reasons, we would lose any momentum in our cause. People would be afraid to approach us to ask any questions about being vegan, because they would be afraid of our Mighty Vegan judgment.

With our militant vegan acquaintance, we know she’s passionate about her vegan beliefs (so are we). We can respect that passion, but passion alone doesn’t change the world.

You Probably Aren’t Doing It Wrong, but What If You Are?

If someone calls you out on doing vegan wrong, hang up and then dial your operator. Seriously, do some research, call a friendly vegan friend, gather as much information as you can. Then make your choices. Your choices will vary from our choices. That’s what makes us individuals. If your choices come from being fully conscious and educated in what you’re choosing, then you can’t be doing it wrong.

8 Responses to Vegan? You’re doing it wrong.

  1. Mookie says:

    I lost my thoughtful comment.
    What I thing I said was jumping outta planes without parachutes is not wrong as long as planes are not in flight mode. ha,ha
    Also being strictly vegan means bringing glasses and/or magnifying glass to grocery store, along with knowledge(or some type of computer device or paper list) of vegan/odd non-vegan ingredients and I am somewhat absentminded so I tend to be vegetarian.
    Wondering if you feed your pets vegan?
    ~~Laurie

    • Hi Laurie,

      We feed our dog and cat regular pet food. First, dogs and cats are carnivores. It would be like feeding lions a diet of kale and tofu, which I think is kind of silly. Then again, I don’t know that much about lions except that they like to recreate Hamlet and use baboons as political advisors. So I could be wrong.

      However, we are always looking for pet food that’s made ethically. Most commercial pet food is made up of byproducts from the same industry that we believe is destroying the environment and abusing animals bred for slaughter.

      Is that truly vegan? Is it “Vegan Wrongness?” I don’t know. We do the best we can and try to be ethical.

      • Mookie says:

        I appreciate your reply David Billings. I don’t understand the joke about lions but I figure it’s your oddball sense of humor?
        The cat food is so much corn which is weird because when I toss a cob down for the critters (cats) they sniff and walk away.
        My daughter points out my wrongness when I say I am mostly vegetarian and even vegan at times because for the most part I am. Yes, I do chow down on an occasional turkey but only when I am well rested and can catch one.
        Right sometimes,
        Laurie
        ps please ask Jenni what happened to my “words w/ friends” friend?

        • The lion joke was a very obscure reference to The Lion King. 🙂

          There are vegan pet foods out there. They’re typically expensive. Again, my thing about feeding dogs and cats an exclusively plant-based diet is that I don’t know enough about their systems to be 100% confident they’ll be truly healthy.

          • Mookie says:

            Oh. I have never seen the whole movie.
            Yeah, I think they(cats & dogs), with their brilliantly pointy canines and I believe short digestive system must be carnivore(s?). Like vampires!
            ~~Laurie
            ps you realize this has all been a non-craft ruse to get Jenni back to WWF? 😉

  2. It has been my experience over the years that no matter what your dietary practices are, there are always a group who will tell you what’s wrong.

    So even if you are a strict vegan…
    “Greens and Grains”
    “You can’t eat sprouts during a Waxing Moon, no Waning”
    “Drink only distilled water”
    “Never drink distilled water”
    “You must consume all proteins before Noon”
    “Never Eat Onions, They heat up the body”
    …so it goes, a person could get heartburn

    • Dear Bryan,

      To avoid heartburn, only eat onions during a waxing moon when greens and grains are waning in their distillation.

      Otherwise, you are WRONG. WRONG. WRONG.

      I can’t even believe how wrong you are right now. I have to go ferment something.

  3. Mookie says:

    (whispering: non-crafty ruse.)

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